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Is it time to clean out his room?

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With Mardi Gras around the corner and our youngest coming in with a car load of friends, is it time to clean out some of Malcolm’s things and make his room more accessible? I thought so, maybe. But then I opened his closet and stood and looked. I pulled out his belts and lay them [...]

Three years

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We’re coming up to three years and I’m facing the anniversary with trepidation again, but less so than before. I remember how in those first horrific days I wanted only to be with Malcolm; I agonised over the thought that he was alone and afraid.  As weeks and months passed I felt guilty for abandoning [...]

A New Way of the Cross

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This year on Good Friday my husband and I made our own way of the cross: we walked to the site where Malcolm shot himself three years ago. We walked to the corner where he parked his car. We walked across the open lot that he crossed to get to the lakefront.  But up on the levee [...]

Happy Birthday, Malc.

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Tomorrow you would have been 28.   So much has changed since you left us.  Both Sean and Meghan, and John and Sally have babies, now. Beth and Jason have twins; Teresa  and Blaise, and TJ and Jenny are  married; Milissa is dating; Bud can drink officially; James is working for the government; TJ is working in a [...]

Was the Universe/God sending me help?

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Even as I begin to write I am filled with trepidation, because I adamantly don’t believe that “everything happens for a reason” or “everything works out for the best.”  I don’t believe that God has a Plan and that we are just acting out a pre-written script. There is no sense to these notions in the face [...]

Throwing out the olives!

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Last night I threw out a jar of olives from the fridge. They were out of date by three years and looked like a science experiment. But it was still hard to throw them out because they were Malc’s. Silly, I suppose, but there you are. Mal paused too, but I said, “You know we can’t keep everything [...]

Grieving a Loss — again!

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As I sat through the Synagogue service last night (when I wasn’t running to the bathroom to blot my face and rehydrate) I realised that this was more than about Billy leaving.  And I realized that grieving a loss is something that you revisit when another loss occurs.  Billy isn’t my son, but my grief [...]

Father’s Day

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Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, the celebration of parenting.  For Mother’s day the grammar school usually had the kids do special presents. Father’s Day was always in the summer so it got short shrift. I feel bad about that, but the boys … Continue reading

Fireworks in the Gulf

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There is so much bad news about the Gulf of Mexic0, but nonetheless we are off to stay on the Gulf for July 4th.  We will sit by a pool, BBQ steaks, read, drink wine and on the 4th we will … Continue reading

Making Peace with Life

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O Life, How oft we throw it off and think,–’Enough, Enough of life in so much!–here’s a cause For rupture; herein we must break with Life, Or be ourselves unworthy; here we are wronged, Maimed, spoiled for aspiration; farewell Life!’ … Continue reading

Victims of the Storm

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“Think about PTSD like the water level in a river,” said University of Mississippi Medical Center researcher Dr. Scott Coffey, who was part of a two-year study published in 2008 on Katrina-related PTSD in lower Mississippi. “If the river is … Continue reading

Seasons of Loss

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Seasons of loss each year another but each year is different scars have become body art the pain is part of who we are integrated assimilated yet it aches in a deeper way as the season approaches like arthritic joints … Continue reading

Today the younger brother became the older

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One of the burdens of having an intelligent child is that he can work out things like the very day on which he has officially outlived his older brother — counting leap years and everything.  Today, he tells us, is that … Continue reading

A Week of the Weepies

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It happens! A week or two when I can’t seem to stop crying. And it happened last week. Too much going on. But most of it was really good stuff, so it is annoying that I got so sad/depressed. The … Continue reading

What is Dying?

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“What is dying? The ship sailed away and I stand watching till it fades on the horizon, and someone at my side says: ‘The ship is gone.’   Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all; the ship is just … Continue reading

Tending…

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Hard to finish that title. Tending to Malcolm’s grave this Saturday … we raised the headstone with a crowbar and put some pebbles underneath to bring it up and straighten it. We put some more soil all around, too. New Orleans is … Continue reading

Kiss the Joy

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The end of another year. Time to reflect. How have we done, what have we done, who have we “done” and why?  Have we used our grief as an excuse to do less, expect less, care less, hurt more?  Have … Continue reading

It will be four years

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Gone three years no — four four now. How is that true? Did I sleep or sleepwalk through the last twelve months? 4 Summers 4 Flint Creeks 4 Mardi Gras 4 Birthdays 208 Sunday lunches 4 Superbowls We won one, … Continue reading

Words fail me this week

Spring cleaning

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Grief, like spring cleaning, is all about baby steps. Last week I decided to sort through a desk drawer and made piles, what was important enough to keep and what I was willing to part with. And then my husband … Continue reading
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